Lonely, Cold, and Trying to Forget
by leon noire
Summary: A branchoff of my story, 'Blank Reflection.' Merian and Mena break up... Merian runs to his best friend... and even a year later he still thinks about Mena... Read and Review! *Songfic*
1. With Open Arms

Hey Guys-

This is a fic that I felt like writing… it doesn't have anything to do with the storyline of 'Blank Reflection,' but it has a lot to do with my normal life right now. It's a songfic having to do with a lot of heartbreak- In setting up the scene, Mena has left Merian and he's sad and he feels empty… in other words, he wants her back- Have fun…

Credit is given to Boyz II Men for writing the song and giving me the inspiration. Merian, my muse… thanks a lot. The song being used is Boyz II Men- Four Seasons of Loneliness. On with the show.

**

"Why are you acting like this?" Merian screamed. He looked Mena in the eye, hoping for an answer. "Why?" He tried to hold her hand, but she didn't do anything but shove it away.

"Ask yourself the same question!" She responded. With a cold glare in her eyes, she pushed him away. Tears sliding down her cheeks, she looked away from him. "I don't want to see you again." 

He looked at her, stupefied, appalled. 

"You don't need me? Fine!" Acting on impulse, he looked at her one last time, picked up his jacket, and walked out the door. 

  
Running down the stairs, he felt those stinging tears sliding down his cheeks. 

// She doesn't need me… // 

He opened the main door and stormed out upon the sidewalk. The cold fall wind slammed into him, sending him into shock as he ran down the street, dodging people as he went. He ran as far as he could, but he wasn't thinking- his feet took him where he was running. Soon after he realized what was happening, he was at his friend's doorstep. Looking at his watch, it was 1:00 AM. 

// Damnit // 

He rung the doorbell a few times, and five minutes later, a groggy form came to the door. 

"Merian?" Her eyes squinted, she tried to see who the person at her door was. 

"Jen?"

"Hi." He said, his eyes red and puffy. She was wearing pajama pants and a tee shirt. She was cold, by the looks of it. 

"What's wrong?" She asked, her eyes now open with suspicion. 

"Everything." 

"You look like you're cold… come in." She stepped aside to make way for him as they sat down in the apartment and began to talk. 

**

Sitting on a bench in the park with his eyes to the stars, he realized it. That was a year ago. 

// A year ago… // 

Everything since then had been empty, been so unfulfilling. So, Merian graduated from the Hyral Academy- One of the best military schools out there. He became trained to be a Votal pilot, as had Mena. Seeing her had been only brought back old memories and reopening old wounds. Walking around at night wasn't a routine thing for Merian- He lay facing the stars in the park. It was mid-November- When the temperatures had begun to drop, the leaves began to drop from the trees, and snow would rarely even fall. 

_I long for_

_The warmth of_

_Days gone by_

_When you were mine,_

_But now those days are memories in time…_

He sat there, a figure alone in the dark. Looking up into the stars, he couldn't stop thinking. 

// I miss her… // 

He shook his head. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. The bench was cold. Everything else was cold, ever since she left him. 

// Why? Am I in some state of denial? Even now, I still care… //

_Life's empty_

_Without you,_

_By my side_

_My heart belongs to you, no matter what I try…___

**

He took off his jacket, and she looked at him. He had disheveled hair, and his eyes were all red. She sat him down on the couch as she gave him a blanket to wrap around himself and she poured a cup of coffee for him.   
"Tell me, what's wrong?" 

"We're over- I don't know what to do…" He closed his eyes and he tried to rub his head. Jen came behind him and began rubbing his back.   
"Please calm down. It's the least I can say but it's gonna do you some good," She said, as she tried her best to relax him. 

Jen was his best friend- they'd been friends since they met at a Tae Kwon Do tournament. She had so many feelings for him- She did care, but now she realized that she thought more about caring for him- she loved him. But now that the one she loved was hurt, should she take advantage of him? 

She wrapped her arms around him, and she felt his hands.

"You're cold," She said, and she kept at rubbing his back.   
"I didn't know- I'd been running through the city since… since I ran out her door." She sat across from him, and she looked him in the eye. 

"You're gonna be okay… Please don't worry." She opened her arms for a hug and he leaned forward and embraced her. 

She did have feelings for him, she did love him. This was her chance to let him know she did really care, and that he didn't need that girl, that Mena…

"I'm sorry, I really am," she whispered, and he leaned back onto the couch. 

The apartment smelled of something beautiful, something like lavender. He sat up and he looked at her. She still had that childish, innocent look. He loved her- he told her so many other things that he couldn't have told Mena- those things that would change your view of the person who told you- but she didn't change her view. He wondered in his mind-

// She does care… //

"Do you mind if I stay here for a bit?" He asked.   
"No, not really- It's not a problem-" Merian opened his eyes, and their eyes were both level. Her eyes were looking for something in his, but there was nothing but a blank reflection and emptiness. She leaned forward, and their lips touched. As quickly as they met, they both came away.  
"I'm.. I'm sor-" 

"No. Don't be." He interrupted her. Merian looked at the floor and he wondered to himself-

// Is this something? Something she wants from me? Or was this meant to be…? //

**

_Every time I get the courage up to love somebody new_

_It always falls apart 'cause they just can't compare to you_

_Your love won't release me_

I'm bound under ball and chain 

_Reminiscing our love_

_As I watch four seasons change_

It had been a year, yes- He'd been living with Jen for the past year. So it'd probably been a coincidence that he began thinking about Mena again. But thinking about the past year has been weird, and it felt useless- Sure, he had slept with Jen a few times- that kiss was the first of many. He did love her, but it wasn't in the way he had loved Mena. That love he felt for Jen was love, yes. But it had been a weird feeling, a useless feeling. 

**

They both sat there, looking into each other's eyes. Slowly, yet again, she leaned in and their lips met. The kiss resumed as they both slowly eased into it. Eventually, her tongue came into his mouth, and they both seemed to enjoy it. But again, they broke the kiss off. 

// Why am I doing this? // 

He wondered to himself, and he looked back into her eyes. She seemed to come up with a message in her mind and she got up. 

"You can sleep in my room." She said, and she took his hand and led him up the stairs. "Just call me if you need anything, alright?" 

"Yeah, thanks. I owe you one." She shut the door and all he heard was the sound of her steps going back down the stairs. He slowly pulled off his pants and slid into her bed. The sweet smell of flowers came to his nose, as well as the smell of lavender. He curled up, cold. Eventually, the feeling disappeared and he drifted into sleep. 

A noise awoke him, and his eyes slowly opened. Suddenly, the bed rocked and a cold form slid next to him.   
"I was cold downstairs." He smirked.

"Oh. Do you want me to go down?"  
"No." 

"Oh." She moved closer to him, and he wrapped his arms around her, she doing the same. All of a sudden, he felt her lips brush across his cheeks as he looked at her in the dark. He returned the kiss, and they started to fool around. 

**

// Does it mean anything to me? I don't know- I haven't been with anyone besides Jen after I broke up with Mena. I don't know… //

_In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and drifts the snow_

_And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe_

_When springtime makes it's way here lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume_

_When summer burns with heat I always get the hots for you_

_Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do_

_When autumn sheds it's leaves the trees are bare when you're not here_

_It doesn't feel the same…_

He didn't know why he slept with Jen, why he fell in love with her right after the pain Mena caused him. Why he did it, the thoughts escaped him- He loved her, but it seemed to come up at the same time- he did want to rid his mind of her, and it seemed to happen so conveniently. But why did those feelings come again? Why did her memory, those memories re-appear? 

// Why all of this? Why did I walk away, only to turn back and watch? I still have feelings for her, I know I do… or am I in denial? Am I just incapable of accepting that we're over? What do I have left to realize? I guess I'm a little bit happier that I have Jen by my side… but why am I being haunted? // 

A shooting star flashed by, and he slowly followed it's path. He smiled, but it quickly turned to a frown as he also remembered those nights where he stayed out with Mena and watched the stars for hours, how she would fall asleep in his arms…

_Remember the nights when_

_We closed our eyes_

_And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time…_

_… Reminiscing our love, as I watch four seasons change…_

He tried to hold them back as the tears slowly came from his eyes. Wiping his face, he looked at the ground. 

Merian still held her in his heart, he still cared. Was it for just in case? Or was it because he wanted someone he could wrap his arms around, someone he could say 'I love you' to? He loved Jen so much more than he used to- she was always willing to listen, and even now, she was even willing to have him, to love him. He was happy, yet, still empty…

**Owari, for now**

Thanks For Reading- Please R/R…


	2. Final Goodbye

And yet again, I add onto my self agonizing story… "Lonely, Cold, and Trying to Forget." All characters are mine… This is set a few months after the breakup between Merian and Mena. I'm using another song, it happens to be again, a Boyz II Men song- 'Boyz II Men- Pass You By.' 

*~*~*~*~*

The sun was at the horizon, and the twilight was setting in. He sat in the park, laying upon the grass. It was summer, a warm few months. Merian was out on leave when he saw the stars slowly manifesting themselves out upon the night sky. 

Looking back, he almost went crazy those few days after he broke up with her- Everywhere he looked, everywhere he turned, everything he saw reminded him of her. 

// Her face, those eyes… //

_She was like nothing I've ever known_

_Her eyes shone like diamonds in a field of snow_

_May that destiny led her to me_

_I made her feel that life was now complete_

// I still love her, even now- I'm wallowing in my own self pity… // 

He leaned his head against a rock, his eyes floated against the skyline of Dulcinea City. The slow sound of orchestral music came to his ears…

** 

His fingers danced across the string as the notes smoothly flowed out of the violin. The clear notes of the first violin part to 'Turkish March' by Mozart seemed to hang in the air. A slow creak of the door behind him caused him to cease the quick notes and the vibrant music. 

"Yes?" 

"Hey, I was wondering what was up…" It was Jen. He turned around to see what was going on. "I just wanted to see you practicing."

"I'm kinda rusty, actually…" He rubbed his blue hair and he looked at the ground, then back up at her. "You didn't sound that rusty when I was walking up the stairs," She looked at him and gave him one of her innocent smiles. 

"Ehh, alright… It's only been three years but I'm still rusty." He shrugged it off and he watched her take a seat next to him.  

Once again, the music began to dance in the air as the bow flew across the strings. 

  
Several hours later, the music stopped, Jen was out of the room, the violin was in it's case, and Merian lay on his bed, staring into nothingness. 

// Why… Why do I still think about her… it's slowly eating me away, it's killing me inside… suppressing these feelings doesn't do any good for me, I still seem to think about her more and more… why is it so hard to just let these things go? // 

**

_A thousand days have passed,_

_The nights gone by_

_Seen the glow slowly fading from her eyes_

_And though she denies her pain and her dismay_

_Oh, I said this to her anyway…_

He remembered those nights when he sat with her, when they talked until dawn came the next day, and eventually until those days before they broke up, he noticed her starting to drift away, they began to talk less and less. 

Suddenly, his cell phone rang. It was Jen.  
"They need you back at the base. Something unexpected."

"Alright, thanks."

Merian got up to get back to his car, and a cold breeze hit his cheek as he looked back at the starlit sky. 

// Those days, those long nights… //

** 

The quiet sound of chatter drifted through the apartment, interrupted by small bursts of laughter or bouts of silence. Two figures sat in the dim moonlight, gazing toward the stars. 

Slowly wrapping his arms around her, they both sat upon the couch, looking out the large window of their apartment. Merian slowly put up his hand and pointed towards a point in the sky.

"Polaris is right… there." Suddenly, a glow of light caught Mena's eye as she told him.  
"It's a shooting star, make a wish…" 

"That no matter what, I will always love you forever." She smiled and kissed him upon the nose.  
"Me too." 

Eventually, the small echo of talk and chat drifted away as they both fell asleep in each other's arms…

** 

The many headlights whizzed past his eyes, creating blurry lines of white. Staying concentrated upon the road was weird as he kept thinking about Mena.

// I remember them so clearly, so vividly… I can't believe I haven't forgotten about her. What was it, what was so much about her that kept my attention even long after we stopped loving each other… or rather… her loving me… // 

_Don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry_

_You'll end up killing all the love you have inside_

_Don't hope to see the sun in you if you don't open your eyes_

_Girl don't let real love pass you by…_

So many of those nights painfully reminded him of the love he lost, of the girl he let go- Eventually he made up for that with Jen- All those nights of talking, those nights of sharing dreams, and nightmares. Those nights helped ease the pain… only momentarily. Those hours, those minutes, those seconds where Jen actually made him feel like he meant something to someone…

**

She had accidentally walked in on him, when he was in one of those moments of aftershock. Or had it seemed to be that he was always in aftershock, unless she was kissing him or she had him in bed? She didn't know. She opened the door to see him at his desk, shedding his tears. Right after she opened the door, she automatically knew that he knew she was there. She walked up to him, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" Jen tried to act like she didn't know anything about it- She hadn't seen him acting like this ever since the first day she came to him so early in the morning. He turned his head towards her, his eyes all puffy and red. 

"I don't know anymore." He sniffed as a final tear slid down his cheek. She began to give him a backrub as she looked at the back of his head.   
"Tell me what's up, please?" A few seconds of silence ensued as his mouth kept opening, only to have nothing to come out.

"I can't stop thinking about her." He paused, and looked at the ceiling. "Every second I'm not doing anything, I can't keep my mind off of her. It's like everything I see reminds me of her… I feel helpless because I don't know what to do about it." 

**

He arrived at the base. His lieutenant greeted him and they shook hands.   
"Sorry to have gotten you out of what you were doing-"  
"It's okay. I wasn't doing much." He quickly interrupted his superior officer.   
"Alright. Get suited up and we'll move you out." 

Another day, another time, another mission. He was being sent out to attack some helpless base. 

// Alright, it's just a mission. Just a mission. Don't let those thoughts get in the way. // 

Slowly, he approached the enemy base and his mind kept wandering…

_... Listen to your heart and let it show_

_Don't hold onto your pain, _

_Just let it go… _

// Let it go… // 

He thought to himself, he let that play in his mind as he barely noticed the warning bleeps and screams from the console in front of him. 

// Let it go… // 

He ignored those warning screams, the sound and notice that the machine was giving him that a missile locked onto his Votal. He ignored it. Suddenly, he saw everyone back at home, weeping for him.  

// Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'll be fine… // 

Leaving the controls, he clasped his hands over the visor of his helmet and he closed his eyes. 

// I'll be fine, don't worry- // 

And he was immersed in blackness.

*Owari*

**A/N:** I ended this quick because I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't care, I'm too caught up in my own life… maybe I should learn how to let things go… well that's my problem. I know that's the bad part about it. Flame me all you want, I ended it horribly- but it's the worst I can do right now, I have more on my mind. Please review when you finish, and thanks for reading. 


End file.
